Walking Without A Path

There are times that I think I am walking on a path that God has selected for me. Then I began to make decisions that may be slightly questionable. I justify them in my head. I have determined that this is where God wants to me end up, and I must do certain things to get there.

Eventually, I realize that I am not on a path at all. I am surrounded by nothing.

At times, as a special needs parent, this is enviable. We become lost in our kid's needs, our kid's behaviors, or the fight for our kids. We loose ourselves. Sometimes there seems like there is not any other choice. One day things have begun to calm and I realize I no longer know who I am. I was lost in the last cycle. Then I have to find myself again. I have to start back on my goals, where I am supposed to be.

At other times it is my desperate need to belong which pulls me off my path. Even at 36, a grown woman, I loose my way. I lack the basic ability to understand. I have to pull on my experience as I move forward. I have plenty of experience. However, it does not always help when moving forward. I wake up and found myself lost. I realize people I thought were friends, were just using me all along. I pull back and start again.

I wonder where I would be if I had not found God. For many years I rebelled at his existence. I, like many others, questioned how he could exist and leave me to such a life as I had lived. It took me many years to begin to understand. Now, I hold on to my faith when I make a wrong turn. I orient myself towards God light, then I began to walk in that direction.

Life is tough for everyone. It is tough living with Asperger's. Even as I relish the gifts it gives me, I also know the struggles I have. It is tough raising three children as a single parent. It is tougher that all three of those children have their own special needs. They have their own struggles that I have to navigate. It is up to me to fix it all.

I know I am not strong enough. No person can be. All I can do is pray to God for his strength to help me through. When I navigate by his light then I will never get lost again.